Video Game Pulse

In order for me to better familiarize myself with the crapfest that is a Uwe Boll film, I decided to watch the films he has made, that way I can bitch with knowledge. As I started to watch House of the Dead, I began to make a list in my head of the funny and outright stupid things that I was bearing witness to.

Soon this list grew too large, and so I quickly opened a notepad file and started typing away, below you will find some of my thoughts on the film in the form of a “Top Ten” list, keep in mind, these arn’t actually in order of importance, and there are probably other key points that deserve this list that I am not thinking of at this moment, enjoy!

1) Instant Neo!

When the chips are down, it seems that even the Sega girl can kick some matrix ass! Not to mention how everyone knows how to use a gun, and all the girls are equipped like Lara Croft. All in all, this movie proves that when the time is right, you can tap into your inner core, and kick some major ass with absolutely no training!

2) Cut Scenes

During the ad campaign of Doom, there was some FPS shots of the actors, us gaming types prayed to heaven that this was not going to be in the final cut of the film. We were disappointed when the film eventually came out, A majority of the film was spent in First Person mode. When House of the Dead hit the theatres, people were appalled that the game included actual footage from the original Playstation version of the game counterpart.

3) The Acting!

I’m not sure if it was meant to be stupid, but it sure wasn’t meant to be serious. The “skipper” says at one point, “muerte, its Spanish for death. In case you don’t speak Mexican”, who is writing this stuff, President Bush?? The characters, including the underwear model all try act their part, but Uwe Boll just can’t write or direct even if his chips were down!

4) Consistency

I guess it is too much to ask that a guy missing a hand should be missing his hand 30 minutes later, and not lifting heavy crates. How about the fact that a 6 shooter revolver can seem to shoot unlimited ammo in a scene where it would look cool, but when you need to move the story, the gun is only loaded with two bullets. I guess this would make even more sense if there WAS a story to move along.

5) The Lack of a House!!

Ok, I guess there is a house, more like a shack, and none of the action actually takes place “in” the house. This movie might as well be called “Island of the Dead”, or “Shack of the Dead” … at least Radio Shack could use it in their advertising.

6) Some God Damn Sense!

So the story is that a man was banned from Spain (not mexico) for performing experiments that were not of god, they were taking him to some remote location when he killed the crew, and took the ship. He ended up landing on this island where he kills anyone who steps foot on it. So again I ask, where does the zombie part play a roll, Boll? Let’s not forget that the San Juan islands are in Washington State, far the fuck away from Spain! This guy got here before America was even discovered.

At one point in the film, they have no reason to go back into the island, everyone they know has just died, and they just killed all the zombies on the boat literally in front of them. Logical choice would be to get the fuck off the island onto the boat, and deal with the few zombies that MAY remain on the boat… OR you could have the following conversation…

Girl 1: “we got to get back on that boat, but I ain’t going in that water”

Guy 1: “we can’t go anyway, its too far, besides, we don’t know what is still on that boat”

Girl 2: “what about that house?”

Guy 1: “it’s defensible, and it’s shelter”

Girl 3: “it’s a good idea”

This is where I ask, WHERE IS THE GOD DAMN SENSE??? “it’s a good idea”?? These people haven’t taken drugs at the rave… where the fuck do you get the sense that it is a good idea, instead of leaving right the fuck now on the boat that is less them 20 feet in front of you? Oh ya, Boll forgot to include the house/shack in the movie, and we are only 45 minutes into the film… got to fill it with more crap.

7) Uber Fast Zombies

Zombie movies all have one thing in common, the zombies move slowly, they are tons of them, and no matter how far you try to run, you can’t get away from them. Uwe Boll takes it to the next level, and allows the zombies to run, sprint, jump, and kind of fly! They can also breath underwater, but I guess that is to be expected.

8) Quality!

For the budget this film was awarded, I could have done a much better job, and I don’t know the first thing of making a movie. Aside from the acting being complete rubbish, the filming is even worse. I’m not talking about the fact that it uses screen shots from the video game, or way to much matrix shots, or even that the camera can’t stay stable. On second thought, I am talking about all that, and even more.

9) Makeup

Last year at E3 there were “dead” people wandering about the convention center, pressed up against windows, and in general, scaring the crap out of you when you didn’t expect them to be there. They were advertising the game Infected by Majesco. The game didn’t get received to well by critics, but the makeup was probably about 90% better then what is in this movie.

10) Scare Factor

It takes a lot of things to make a movie scary, even if with cheap thrills, and clichés. A few things are suspense, makeup and unique camera angles, which this movie lacks all of. As previously mentioned, the makeup is sub par, Since there is a techno beat playing the entire time of the movie, there is no suspense, and without any of those, it doesn’t matter what camera angle you use.

Awhile back Michael Meyers, the PR agent for SNK Playmore let us in on what was going on with the Samurai Shodown series. We just got yet another update from MMPR regarding the workings on the King of Fighters series over at SNK Playmore. King of Fighters is one of the great fighting series that takes characters from all of SNK’s games and puts them against each other. Capcom’s series has lost its weight in the arena of game characters fighting each other. Has Akuma fought the Purple Teletubie yet? I guess that is a little harsh, Capcom vs. SNK was a brilliant game.

The King of Fighters: NEOWAVE is the newest addition to the series; It marks the continuance of an excellent series. KOF: NEOWAVE is yet another XBOX exclusive from SNK Playmore. The game features 12 three-man teams made up of some of the characters form SNK’s 11-year history. The Fatal Fury Team is made up of Terry, Joe and Andy, and the Women Fighters Team is made of Mai, King, and Yuri, that is just a few of the teams announced so far! There is a total 43 characters including 7 Bonus characters that make up 12 of the most dangerous fighting teams ever assembled.

NEOWAVE also introduces three new modes of play – Super Cancel, Guard Break and Max2. The all-new “Heat Mode” will allow the character to exchange life in order to power-up their attacks, can anyone say Thrill Kill! You can also link a Special Move with a Super Attack in the Super Cancel Mode to cause extreme damage. I can’t wait for this masterpiece to hit the XBOX like a ton of bricks!

What if I told you that Playstation 2, Gamecube and XBOX games were going up to $100 and XBOX 360 games were going up to $120? Since most likely you are a gamer, and realize how insane this is, you probably have to change your underwear about now. Well, maybe after I tell you that this is going to become a reality!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok lets tone down the hyperbole. This will only affect those that live in Texas. “The Republican primary candidate wants to eliminate property taxes by heavily taxing games the government deems ‘violent.’” Reported Tor Thorsen of Gamespot.com earlier this week. Chances of this law passing are hopefully very slim. I’m not quite sure what the gamer/conserve-republican (non-gamer) ratio is in Texas, If any of you reading this live in Texas, please chime in with a response; If you are a conserve-repub, I await the hate mail!

This man goes by the very erotic name of Star Locke, He is all about the health of our children or as he says, “our most precious blood”. I don’t have an issue with some of his policies, But he went too far the other day. Star Locke’s Family Security and Protection Act aims to take away liquor tax, property tax, and vehicle tax! He will balance this out by creating a board of 10 people that he chooses; they will deem what is violent and what isn’t. The Music/Movies/Games that are deemed violent will have 100% sales tax, any food cooked with grease will have 50% sales tax, and any beverage to contain sugar will also have 50% sales tax. These are all the things that us gamers crave, and live off of!!

Besides the fact that this is the reason the constitution was made in the first place, he will not win the election. There are a lot of gaming companies and companies that sale games that are based out of Texas, they will flood the competitors campaign just to make sure he wins. Some of you may have played Perfect Dark Zero, a game set in the future where companies control everything; unlike today where … companies control everything! Even in the off chance that Star Locke makes it, he will be tried for treason the second he passes one of these laws, because it is against EVERYTHING the constitution stands for, Taxation without representation.

Jane Pinckard, The hook-up from Game Girl Advance, The journalist from 1up.com just recently reported on a story regarding Rockstar/Take-Two and their most recent lawsuit, which pins them with a $10 million dollar hit. What are they being sued for now you ask? Misleading an investigation. Oddly enough it isn’t Jack Thompson leading this battle, but rather the Los Angeles city attorney’s office.

City Attorney Rockard Delgadillo claims that Rockstar/Take Two deliberately withheld information that would have kept Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas off the shelves of major retailers. The suit also charges Rockstar with having blamed hackers for code that was subsequently found to be programmed by the developers.

The reader response of this article has been varied, with some saying that Rockstar deserves what is coming to them. The simple fact is that Rockstar doesn’t deserve any of this. They didn’t “hide” code, they simply scraped the idea. Have you seen the hot coffee video? It looks like shit! I have seen music video’s that turn me on more then that crapfest.

Think about this logically, Rockstar programmed a game with an extra feature of “virtual sex”, they decided to scrap the idea, due to the fact that it was stupid looking and would not pass the rating board. Instead of rebuilding the entire code of the game to completely eliminate this feature, they stripped it from being accessed. Rockstar should not have to predict that a person with a Game Shark, and knowledge of a Memory Card trick would uncover this code. And since when did dry humping become so evil?? I hate to break the news to everyone out there, but the Grand Theft Auto series is made for adults, not children, the M on the cover means that it is advised that you are 17 or older to play the game. People put the blame on video games, not on parents. The rating system was implemented so parents could monitor what their children were asking them to buy. It says on the back that it contains “Blood and Gore, Intense Violence, Strong Language, Strong Sexual Content, Use of Drugs”… wait a fucking minute!!! Did that just say “Strong Sexual Content”??? This is the game box info as of its initial release, so why wasn’t this a tip of for parents?? Why can’t parents be held responsible? What are we afraid of??

If you have ANY evidence that Rockstar/Take Two is targeting children with their GTA series, let me know. If you can think of any (logical) reason letting a 15 year old play GTA is bad, let me know. I really want to hear the logical point of view on the other side of the fence.

P.S. I was going through adding the links as I do… and was going to add a link to the ESRB Rating Description Page. While doing so, I discovered that AO is described as “Titles rated AO (Adults Only) have content that should only be played by persons 18 years and older. Titles in this category may include prolonged scenes of intense violence and/or graphic sexual content and nudity.” One thing that caught my eye was “prolonged scenes of intense violence”, doesn’t that count Manhunt, and a bunch of other M rated games?? As for the Strong Sexual Content that was already listed on the original box, it is described as “Graphic references to and/or depictions of sexual behavior, possibly including nudity”. I’d say the ESRB did their job, and the parents didn’t!

Take The Sims, Everquest, Dark Cloud 1 & 2 and mix it together to “Discover Your Medieval Life!” A game that slightly caught my attention in all the hustle of last years E3 was The Guild 2. I’m not much for reality based simulators, but this one was different, it has stunning graphics, and the video makes it look very expansive.

In “The Guild 2″, you’ll taking [sic] the role of a young, prospering citizen in a prospering town – it’s your turn to master all aspects of your medieval life, from business over the fiercy [sic] fields of intrigues & politics to your very own relationships. If you do well, you won’t forge your future only, but also the fate of the town!

-JoWooD Productions

More information such as video’s, screenshots, characters and much more can be found at The Guild 2 website. Expect to see this game on shelves near you in Quarter 2; that is April to June. I am awaiting a response on a more definite date for this title, until then.

Sorry guys, late night party, but I got tons of updates coming this friday and the weekend… after I sober up.

Keep smiling, and read on!

Awhile back we did an exposé called “Dawn Of A New Era”, which was about how Sony was letting their PSP fall into the ranks of so many others that have dared to wage war against the machine known as Nintendo. The Lynx, WonderSwan, Sega Nomad (does that count?), Game Gear, and many others have felt the pressure of not being able to compete with the Game Boy.

In our article, we talked about how Sony isn’t releasing their own first party games, and how they are leaving it up to the third parties to support the system; we mentioned how Sony doesn’t even have a first quarter line-up! None of that has changed since then, but Sony has made a move.

Instead of making first party games that take advantage of the features and capabilities that only the maker of a system can show the full potential of, they have taken a different route. Sony has been acquiring quite a bit of developers lately, the most recent is military developer turned video game developer; Zipper Interactive. You probably have heard of Zipper Interactive, they make the XBOX exclusive MechWarrior and Crimson Skies series. Most notably though is their SOCOM franchise. It is no doubt that a company that has been making training software for out troops in the field would be able to accurately portray it in a game setting, but will their other titles lack, will they stay XBOX exclusive? Or will they simply disappear?

Some, if not all debate why on earth Sony has not adopted an online community similar to XBOX Live, and some still ponder why they still won’t have it in the PS3! There was however one shocking statement made during the acquisition. Jim Bosler, Zipper Interactive president and CEO talked about online functionality in a recent statement. “As a part of the Sony Computer Entertainment group we can look forward to introducing innovative titles that push online functionality and community experiences even further.”

There you have it, “online functionality and community experiences”, word for word out of the horse’s mouth. Will Zipper Interactive be able to show Sony the light? As mentioned before, they have done a lot of military networking projects; maybe they can bring that to the table for the PS3. As for the PSP, it doesn’t count if you buy up all the people making games for the system! We are looking for games developed by SCEA, SCEE, and SCEJ, not published!

While acquiring Zipper Interactive will probably be good for Sony, I certainly don’t want all the game makers in the pocket of a magazine publisher, or a console maker. The sad fact is that smaller publishers just won’t be able to survive on their own in this next generation. Majesco last year at E3 had a huge booth, contests, and tons of scary people in make-up advertising their game Infected for the PSP. This year they have closed up shop on almost all their games, it looks like the only one we will be seeing is Jaws Unleashed! A game I wasn’t even remotely interested in.

“This month we’re celebrating the publication of our 200th magazine (currently on sale at any bookstore or newsstand worth a crap!). In this magical moment of ink-stained fingertips, blistered thumbs, and spontaneous fits of hugging, why not take the house lights down a notch and contemplate the 10 lowest-scoring games in EGM history?” boasts 1up.com in their recent top ten list.

1up.com names the following as their pick of the top ten worst reviewed games. Batman Beyond, Who Wants to Beat Up a Millionaire, Powerpuff Girls: Paint the Townsvile Green, Powerpuff Girls: Bad Mojo Jojo, KISS Pinball, Urban Champion-e, The Guy Game, Mortal Kombat Advance, The Flintstones: Bedrock Bowling, and finally Ping Pals were the lucky few to make the list. 8 issues in total were named, none of which go back further then 2001!

Now I know this may seem hard to believe, but at 12 issues a year and 200 issues to date, that would be close to 17 years of magazines to choose from, why is it that 1up.com isn’t willing to go back any further then 5 years? The answer may be shocking, but back then a “worst game of all time” would get at its lowest, 2 out of 10. Does this mean that when 1up.com does a “worst reviewed of all time” top ten that it should be purely based on numbers? I personally think not. They need to consider that pre-2001 a 1/10 of today was a 2/10 of back then. The fact that issue #139 makes its self on this list 3 times shows the lack of work put into this article. Hell, the lack of interest can be seen all the way down to the person who coded the page, considering it sports quite a few broken links. Maybe I just shouldn’t expect much from the programmers who have no respect for the GameCube!

Keep in mind, I agree the games listed; especially Mortal Kombat Advance, are among the worst games of all time, but not of the worst reviewed games by a magazine with a 17 year history. Trust me, I have played enough bad games between 1989 and current that should be on this list too. Just because EGM was too afraid to give something a 1 out of 10 back then should not eliminate those issues from consideration. Maybe one day I will provide you (the readers) with my own top ten worst games of all time.

Take the cell-shaded universe of Killer 7, and the Tactical Espionage world of the Metal Gear series and what do you get?? Who knows, but Gouichi Suda, creator of Killer 7, and Hideo Kojima, creator of the Metal Gear franchise, will tell us what’s up at this year’s E3.

Suda, like me, was inspired by Hideo Kojima’s games, which drove him into the industry. Suda claims that his games, Michigan and Killer 7 are based on Kojima’s early adventure game from 1988, Snatcher.

Kojima returned the same feelings, stating that they should announce a project at E3; we still have to wait to see if the producers are serious, but I think the writing is on the wall. Both Suda and Kojima have their own production studio and can pretty much do as they please.

An unknown staff member of Gamespot reported earlier today saying “it is confirmed Suda is already working on a few projects of his own.” the unknown staff member then continued to reveal which systems the projects were planned for, “Suda revealed that he is working on a game for Nintendo’s Revolution, as well an another project for an unnamed platform.”

This sounds like quite an ambitious project that if done correctly, as I’m sure it will be, could be the beginning of a whole new era of Suda/Kojima franchises. I look even more forward to E3 to find out what develops, my eyes once again will be on the big screen at the Konami booth.

Out of the ordinary post here, but I will attempt to tie it in with gaming. It seems as though my home football team is going to the Super Bowl for the VERY first time ever! They have made it to the NFC once before in 1983, only to lose it! I’m not really that big of a football fan myself, I enjoy playing backyard football with some friends, and watching the game every once in awhile, but I’m not a die-hard fan. The Seahawks changed my perspective of how much fun the game of football really can be, and makes me wish I had tried out in high school for the sport. I guess I just spent too much time with games and computers; I have no regrets though.

I had a great time cheering on Seattle as the 12th man. Shawn Alexander, Matt Hasselbeck and team will head to Detroit to play in Super Bowl XL against the Pittsburgh Steelers. Detroit Hawk City is what the fans are calling the Super Bowl, Pittsburgh vs. Seattle! In about two weeks my team will make history, whether they lose or win! So stay tuned to the game, and see the final results. Oh I promised to tie this into gaming, so here is your moment of Zen! Madden NFL NEXT GEN (PS3)