In order for me to better familiarize myself with the crapfest that is a Uwe Boll film, I decided to watch the films he has made, that way I can bitch with knowledge. As I started to watch House of the Dead, I began to make a list in my head of the funny and outright stupid things that I was bearing witness to.
Soon this list grew too large, and so I quickly opened a notepad file and started typing away, below you will find some of my thoughts on the film in the form of a “Top Ten” list, keep in mind, these arn’t actually in order of importance, and there are probably other key points that deserve this list that I am not thinking of at this moment, enjoy!
1) Instant Neo!
When the chips are down, it seems that even the Sega girl can kick some matrix ass! Not to mention how everyone knows how to use a gun, and all the girls are equipped like Lara Croft. All in all, this movie proves that when the time is right, you can tap into your inner core, and kick some major ass with absolutely no training!
2) Cut Scenes
During the ad campaign of Doom, there was some FPS shots of the actors, us gaming types prayed to heaven that this was not going to be in the final cut of the film. We were disappointed when the film eventually came out, A majority of the film was spent in First Person mode. When House of the Dead hit the theatres, people were appalled that the game included actual footage from the original Playstation version of the game counterpart.
3) The Acting!
I’m not sure if it was meant to be stupid, but it sure wasn’t meant to be serious. The “skipper” says at one point, “muerte, its Spanish for death. In case you don’t speak Mexican”, who is writing this stuff, President Bush?? The characters, including the underwear model all try act their part, but Uwe Boll just can’t write or direct even if his chips were down!
4) Consistency
I guess it is too much to ask that a guy missing a hand should be missing his hand 30 minutes later, and not lifting heavy crates. How about the fact that a 6 shooter revolver can seem to shoot unlimited ammo in a scene where it would look cool, but when you need to move the story, the gun is only loaded with two bullets. I guess this would make even more sense if there WAS a story to move along.
5) The Lack of a House!!
Ok, I guess there is a house, more like a shack, and none of the action actually takes place “in” the house. This movie might as well be called “Island of the Dead”, or “Shack of the Dead” … at least Radio Shack could use it in their advertising.
6) Some God Damn Sense!
So the story is that a man was banned from Spain (not mexico) for performing experiments that were not of god, they were taking him to some remote location when he killed the crew, and took the ship. He ended up landing on this island where he kills anyone who steps foot on it. So again I ask, where does the zombie part play a roll, Boll? Let’s not forget that the San Juan islands are in Washington State, far the fuck away from Spain! This guy got here before America was even discovered.
At one point in the film, they have no reason to go back into the island, everyone they know has just died, and they just killed all the zombies on the boat literally in front of them. Logical choice would be to get the fuck off the island onto the boat, and deal with the few zombies that MAY remain on the boat… OR you could have the following conversation…
Girl 1: “we got to get back on that boat, but I ain’t going in that water”
Guy 1: “we can’t go anyway, its too far, besides, we don’t know what is still on that boat”
Girl 2: “what about that house?”
Guy 1: “it’s defensible, and it’s shelter”
Girl 3: “it’s a good idea”
This is where I ask, WHERE IS THE GOD DAMN SENSE??? “it’s a good idea”?? These people haven’t taken drugs at the rave… where the fuck do you get the sense that it is a good idea, instead of leaving right the fuck now on the boat that is less them 20 feet in front of you? Oh ya, Boll forgot to include the house/shack in the movie, and we are only 45 minutes into the film… got to fill it with more crap.
7) Uber Fast Zombies
Zombie movies all have one thing in common, the zombies move slowly, they are tons of them, and no matter how far you try to run, you can’t get away from them. Uwe Boll takes it to the next level, and allows the zombies to run, sprint, jump, and kind of fly! They can also breath underwater, but I guess that is to be expected.
8) Quality!
For the budget this film was awarded, I could have done a much better job, and I don’t know the first thing of making a movie. Aside from the acting being complete rubbish, the filming is even worse. I’m not talking about the fact that it uses screen shots from the video game, or way to much matrix shots, or even that the camera can’t stay stable. On second thought, I am talking about all that, and even more.
9) Makeup
Last year at E3 there were “dead” people wandering about the convention center, pressed up against windows, and in general, scaring the crap out of you when you didn’t expect them to be there. They were advertising the game Infected by Majesco. The game didn’t get received to well by critics, but the makeup was probably about 90% better then what is in this movie.
10) Scare Factor
It takes a lot of things to make a movie scary, even if with cheap thrills, and clichés. A few things are suspense, makeup and unique camera angles, which this movie lacks all of. As previously mentioned, the makeup is sub par, Since there is a techno beat playing the entire time of the movie, there is no suspense, and without any of those, it doesn’t matter what camera angle you use.